(this was orignially writen on thursday but i decded to post it today)

a long time coming
So i met up with phil today.
I went in to this "talk" fully expecting that we were gonna take a 1 month break from each other just so we could sort things out.

We ended up tottaly broken up instead.

He said alot of things that surprised me. that unless somthing majour changes theres no point in gettting back together. The most surprising is that changed when i went into the buisness faculty. that i wasnt the same person and i guess not in a good way.

I never noticed b4 but i guess i did change alot when i switched over....add that to my list of things to ponder

If i had known going into buisness would have ruined our relationship i never would have done it. Add this to the list of reasons i hate my faculty.

I know we had alot of issues but wow its over.

I got home kinda shell shocked and could only get a hold of allision but she had soem stuff to do. so i faked being happy while the folks were around it was tough but i managed. To think i have been thinking about telling them about me and phil alot recently.

made myself som taquitos almost went for quiznos but i know that would have been to much for me...(phil and i used to go for quiznos once a month as like a date celibration thing) i didnt want to be crying as i ordered lol

so after the floks left i tried to drink but we dont have much alcohol so i couldnt really get drunk enough. Didnt have any icecream or chocolate
or cheese for nachos and i was too tipsy to go shopping in the car. So i figured killing things on the xbox would make me happy so i go to get all the stuff only to find that my bro hid all the games.

so i pnaicked cuz i had nothing to do and this overwhelming lonliness set in. tried to call ppl but no one asnwerd
then i called phil

i dont know why i wanted to make sure he was ok
i think i secretly wanted him to say that he wanted me back


par for the course however today he said none of the above.

its funny our "song" was "try" by nelly furtado and i always thought it was such a beutiful love song. But there is a line in it

"all of the momments that already past try to go back and make them last. All of the things we want eachotehr to be , we never will be , we never will be that wonderful. thats life"

And i realize how prophetic it is

i still hope one day that we will both be as wonderful

a reply
I sometimes forget that i am not the best comunicator. soo im trying to make this straight forward.

The progress u have made has been great and i am not belittling that at all. You sound like yur on the way to becoming a much healthyer fuller person so kudos!

If u recall about 3 weeks ago we dicussed that it was probably a good idea for some emotional distance this was supposed to help insure that what you were doing u were doing for yurself and not for me. So that really isnt my issue its a necessary evil that i can deal with ( im a big boy after all)

I ultimatly want you to be happy with yourself and not worry about what others think including me. And this is a key issue. Your whole life has been lived to other peoples standards and i dont want you trading theres for mine.

Find the path in life that makes you complete becasue every person should be happy with themselves whether they are in or out of a relationship.

I am not yet convinced that I am the person on this world that will make u happiest and reading yur blog made me realize that you were feeling the same way.

I have been thinking about alot of things the past few weeks. if we better friends than partners
if we could use some temporary time apart which i feel would help u figure yur life out.
if we should just throw in the towel and admit that we tried really hard but ultimatly the chick on Omni tv was right.

I know this proces has been hard on you but it has also be emotionally exauhsting for me. I have been cranky this week so when i read what u had said that only made my mood worse when u said "we really need to talk" And then my stomach started to hurt. i realized that thats how it always is between us. When i say im tired of "talking" i mean that im tired of being draged through an emotional grinder every 2 weeks for the past 5 months. I cant even rember the last time we were both even 95% happy with each other around when we arnt naked.
I enjoyed talking to you tonight it was fun but i still worry that your to concerned with making me happy. I want a somone i can spend my life with as an equal parner i dont want a puppy. I know that spark is still there buried somewhere but i still feel it.

I am not writing this to piss u off or hurt u. Much of this we have talked about before. This is more of an explanation of the conflicts i am feeling right now which is why i blogged it rather than emailing it to you.

and the rumbling in the distance erupted forth bathing the land in it's fury
Now Playing: crapy opera music at work
last night i had the worst night of sleep ever! it was soo hot in my room that i ddint fall asleep till about 3. Then at around 4:10 ish it started to thunder and lightining. It was unlike any storm i had ever seen! Uusally i love looking out my window (cuz i can see for many km) and watchignt he storm roll by. But everything was so incredibly intesnse.. The ligthning was almost cosant and it was close very close. The rain was so bad i could barely see down the street. we acctually thought a couple of trees were going to fall over in the back yard. It was very intense.

I didnt end up falling back to sleep till about 5:30 but even then it was one of those nights where u never really get back to sleep fully.

Im a bit of a cranky camper right now.

Went to my first pride parade on the weekend. it poored buckets and was pretty chilly but it was ok lots of ppl there. we ended up going shopping and for greek food with sky paul lucas and allison . then we saw batman begins all in all a great night. bought a super sexy shirt too!

sunday got piss ass drunk off of tequila and made an assof myself. Lets not get into that.

things with phil have been up and down as usuall. I dont know what to do anymore. Im trying to be supportive and understanding but nothing seems to work.

i want to move to a far away place where no one knows me and i can start again. thats my urge right now.

whatever

Nothign is ever resolved! Im taking tommorow off from my life...taking a 1 day vaction for me! to get away from me see if i can be something else heres a list of things that describe me thought they would be fun

Part Freaky Kisser

When you kiss, you want to experience something new A new technique, a new partner, a new piercing... And your own personal kissing style is very unpredictable There's no saying where your tongue or hands will go

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

Your Drag Queen Name is: Felicia Fellatio

wierd poast today

Back at it waiting ofr a better sign
Now Playing: watching we craven's cursed
so its been a strange week
Nessa my bros gf whos livingt with us was hit by a car on thursday it was a hit and run but no one can identify the driver so the punk kid is gonna get away with it. Nessa is ok no broken bones just need to have somoen keep an eye on her cuz she is concussed.

Spent time with phil last night. We had a great night at the begining then the wierdes thing happend. We were channel surfingt on his satelight tv and this woman come on on the omni channel. She starts in this rant talking dirrectly (it felt) to us about how couplse where the 2 ppl are opposites are doomed! and she went on and on....it was like a sign from god or something. It kid of put a bit of a damper on things cuz bassically our oppositness has been the cause of TON of issues latley.

to top things off i found out he went though my chat logs when i borrowed his laptop after chels' going away party. Needless to say i was irked that he would do that! it was such hmmm like an invasion of privacy. Like he doesnt trust me or somehting.

i dunno what i should think right now.
He apologised said he didnt feel it was an invasion of privacy at all because it was his computer seems pretty lame to me but whateve i cant stay mad.

we ended up going to NEW CITY for Ev's grad party. Its like a goth alternative punk bar. It was soo cool there was no attitude at all everone just goes and dances their assess off. I have never been in a place with sucha cool accepting atmosphere even at the gay bar. needless to say i danced my ass off.

well thats all for now

the only bright spot today is triump the insult dog and chocolate
Now Playing: that crappy elevator music they play at my office
so im cranky
work is really starting to piss me off and im begining to realize how poorly run it is and how shitty they treat me. Im beginign to wonder how important the work im doing is.

Im seeing ppl form highschool moving on with their lives and being sucessful (driving new cadillacs Screw u brendon)!!and here i am working for a company that took my office away expects me to use my laptop for buisness usage and overall treats me with indifference. I know its nto just me they treat like that but its kinda a harsh realization that im working my ass off to further 2 other ppls' careers and im getting very little out of it. They pay the bare minimum that they can and the exclude me from any of the credit. Im begining think i should just take the data and fuck them over royally after all its 90% my work.

I need a change in every area of my life however im not sure how to go about changing myself. Im still not sure what flaw in my character or in the enviroment is causing me to be not as suscessful as i could be. I doubt its the enviroment unless the "man" really is trying to keep me down.
So if anyone has anythoughts as to why i m such a pussy please leave a comment (not that anyone reads this anyway)

:(

well truce sex isnt as good as i had hoped
Now Playing: the latest elder scrolls oblivion trailer WOW
so phil and i didn't break up. were gona wait and see how things go. I really really hope it gets better and less awkward for us.

we still ended up having awkward sex tho...the first half was fine but then we got off track and it was just really weird... it got better tho...

im thinking that i do too many favours for ppl and that its starting to prevent me from being able to do the things that i want to dow ith my life.

Sounds like i have an additional contract at work pretty much nailed down YAY for me. its gonna be alot of fun i think and a greta learning experience!

works done must go home now.

in limbo
so its been busy few weeks. Im finnaly getting back into the swing of things with my research did some regression today and got some awsome results.. the days started off pretty shitty tho i lost my pocket pc but then phil found it at his place. thank god iw as making myself sock over it.

good news alkso that i may be getting alot more hours at driveable this summer they will likely be signing me to an additiona contract to do DVD interface designs and web support which would be alot of fun i think! Im finnaly combing my talents of psychology and art yay!

Saw star wars with frank last night.. it was acctually pretty good considering how bad the first one was and how badhalf the second one was. The problem i think is that george lucas isnt a director so much as a Si FI pioneer a directoris supposed to make his actors better than what they could be without him. The acting was pretty bad (im looking at you natalie) however the actors in the movie are really talented so im placing the blame squarley on george's back ...cool tech no heart or character motivation. oh well at least the light sabers were really cool.

oh and big props to the liberal govt for surviving there budget vote. i dont see what the big deal is the liberals are finnaly giveing into ppls demands for funding social services...isnt a responsive albeit scared goverment a good thing...it keeps them productive! so i hope this minority govt stays around for at least a year longer until after the gay marriage and pot laws have been safely passed.

now on to that bad stuff. Hung out with phil yesterday and we kinda realized that the spark is gone from our relationship and we were both suffering from the blahs....and i have to admit for a while now it just seems like our relationship is like to friends (at its worst aquaintances) who have great sex together and i think a relationship should be more than that dont u? hes taking off this weekend to think some stuff over, where hes going and what hes thinking about i dont know. But i have a strange suspicion that i may be getting dumped this coming week. oh well theres nothing i can do at this point but wait.

now im getting otu of work early cuz almost no one is left in the office!

ciao

grrrrrr
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: forced to listen to waiting room music aaaarg
so got to work early becaus al asked me to and now hes in a meeting so im sitting with nothing to do, ne cell phone is so dead even tho it was on the charger...great start to a loooong day.

so phil and i had a big talk about or relationship on monday and we basically decided that we dont understand eachother and thats why were having problems. so in order to fix that we are going to try and be more understanding and not rush to judgement about things. so i thought that sorted out most of our difficulties buuuut he hasnt talked to me since i called him yesterday to make sure he was ok but he sounded distracted( the convo only lasted like a min) i miss him and his silence is concerning me. Some ppl have told me this isnt a good sign at all and that i should prepare for bad news. So im preparing and hoping for the best.

ooo one bright spot for today we have this hot stocky electrician around the office today mmmmmmmm

back towork for now

Random acts of karmic insanity
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: nothing cuz my pocket pc wasnt working for some reason
ok after last night s random bitching i figured i should post again.
Went to work today and acctually didnt ahve to move at all on teusday thursday and every second friday i get an office...a sweet office witha nice veiw of downtown. its better than nothing so really its mondays and wednesdays that im allowed to be cranky lol

So also i finished up my data enrty and now im working on double checking my datda so we can start analyisis this week. So im walking though where my old area was and the new girls are working and there talking about what theere working on and i realize that its all the incredibly TEDIOUS!! stuff that i did for the first couple of months last summer...they got my spot but they also got all my ollf bitch work (and trust me its really bitch work) while im working on something really important so ya kudos for me im awsome!

Oh and here is my horoscope for this week creepy!
"the proverb warns that you should not bite the hand that feeds you." "But maybe you should, if it prevents your form feeding yourself." so said the critic of psychiatry thomas Szasz.
he was urging us to think about how our dependence on seemingly benevolent providers might paralyze our free will and interfere with our ability to take care of ourselves. In the song 'the hand that feeds' trent reznorexpressesa further dount about the proverb. He implys that the hand that feeds us may supply us with stuff that doesnt norish us and that it is tainted by the supplier's motivations. "will u stay down on your knees or will you bite the hand that feeds".
its a good time to re-evaluate your relationship with athority figures who purport to be helping you.

intense

I get to jax and its kinda sort of busy and i see some guy walk in and go straight to the bathroom..i got a wierd vibe formt he guy but it gets busy again so i forget about it. 45 min later he basically bolts out of the bathroom and i see from his face and eyes that hes higher than a kite. so getting morebad vibes i check on the mensrooma nd its fucking trashed and disgusting (not to go into details) and the toilet is broken so i clean that all up and put an out of order sign on the door.
(and yes im kinda cranky)
its a slow day and so i start cleaning up and half an hour to close 4 soccer moms in training (aka yuppeis that are festering into new forms) so they want food but the grill has been shut of for an hour so they decide to get nachos and a whole bunch of deserts. they pay with a card the totalwas 30 bucks not tip... so im in the middle of my ejnd of the night clean up and ther asking for me to do all this extra stuff for them...at first i dont mind but then they ask for more and more and more. there all really rude about stuff too and im trying to be charming but after working 15 hours im getting pooped plus having such a huge order so late is totaly messing up my closeso they leave after we close up and i start to clean up the table and then im pissed! they didnt even tip me i was livid..so i go to the back to talk to some regualrs that i nknow really well and start bitching about the ladies that just left and so im bitching and there acking me up and i go to clean up the rest of the table and find a 5dollar bill crumpled in a napkin that im about to chuck.

boy did i feel like an asshole!
so karmically i know im gonna eb fucked for saying all that stuff.
so i finished my close about a half an hour later than usual and my boss and the regulars are debating about weather its better to be lied to or cheated one (uggg that was a painful convo) i get in my car get it started and i see a psychics calling card onder my windsheild wiper. wierd

i pull it off and out of the dark comes this huge vehicle at my car it brights were blinding me (almost seemd like something out of a david lynch movie) so this sketchy bronco pulls up and this sketchy guy gets out and tells me this storey about being a down on his luck electrician from fort saskatchewan. He said he lost his wallet and needed some gass money to get home.

i had a check for a thousand bucks in my wallet and i really dint want to get mugged (thank u income tax return ) so i give him a toonie through a crack in my wondow hoping he'll go away. He says thanks and hops in his truck on his way. (after asking for a smoke of course!)

it was probbaly a scam but i wouldnt have been able to live with myself if it was true and i didnt help

and now i must sleep!